Frantzie's Space

Accept That It's Over: A Lesson From A One-Season Stand

2009-08-31T00:12:00.018-04:00

Summer ushered in a new friend with whom I really connected. Meeting through mutual friends, we became quite close and hung out nearly everyday. After a casual night of hanging out with friends in The City, more than one person approached me with the idea that we both seemed to be into one another. This wasn't a romantic encounter, I quipped. We just "clicked." He was "the homey." Cool peoples, I reassured them. Bewildered by their conflicting assumptions, I conjured a few attributes to deter any ideas of a crush. He was too short and his physical proportions way too small for the average male. But, I soon discovered on our cab ride back to Brooklyn, that I did fancy him. Suddenly, I thought, could he be into me too? Nevertheless, I heeded my internal compass warning me not to head in that direction.

One evening, after a late-night BBQ at my place, he stayed behind, helping me clean. Under the influence of "summer fever," we took things a little further. By morning, we were cuddled on my sofa with his arm paper mached to my waist. No discussions about what happened the night prior, he gently caressed his lips against mine and persistently asked, "When do I get to see you again?" I grinned anxiously, escorted him out, and left him with my response, "We'll figure it out."

Indeed, we did figure it out and the weeks ahead proved to be one romantic adventure. We had so much fun, him and I. Just being in one another's presence added an extra element of perfection to the summer, making everything that we did more significant and special. Picnics in Prospect Park, taking in summer hip-hop festivals, holding hands while strolling in the drizzling rain, grabbing frozen yogurt, candlelit dinners on my patio, stumbling back to my apartment after rounds of robust sangria, wandering around Old Brooklyn. We talked and talked and talked some more, never running out of things to say. Recovering together until 5 p.m. the next day, after a night of binge drinking, I absolutely knew that there was something unique and special between us. Never a moment of pretense amongst us, we could be completely ourselves around one another. I was at ease knowing that he wasn't afraid, understood, and accepted my feisty, "talk-too-much-shit" undertones.

And...then, the "fadeaway" began.

But, everything was going so perfectly? We had fantastic dates and he seemed to be really into me. Soon, Mr. Persistent's daily calls and emails dwindled. He sent fewer texts. Gone were the "I think you're amazing and you're still on my mind" messages. Now, I received curt responses like "Thanks, ttyl." I attributed his turnabout behavior to him handling his priorities, rather than a passive-aggressive put-off. Against my better intuition, I gave into my nagging impulse to call him up and investigate his sudden change. Not once, but several times. We exchanged "Dear John"-like emails where he supposed I was forcing him into a relationship (which couldn't have been FURTHER from the truth) and he included lame excuses that he thought might spare my feelings relating to why he couldn't go on being my friend. Then, he finally wrote the words that I feared , but desperately needed to see:

"I can't do this right now."

[Sigh] Our communication has finally stopped altogether. I'm sad, filled with a tiny amount of self-pity and floundering in my thinking, blaming myself again for yet another crack-up of a brief relationship. Like a head football coach going over an instant replay, I'm examining our short-term affair in my mind and left wondering if there was something that I did to make our romance break down so irrevocably. (I've concluded that women are programmed to take the blame when a relationship fails.) I'm tearing out my 'fro trying to figure out if it was just a game when he said things like our summer affair had potential to develop into something more rewarding or that meeting me contributed to his best summer ever. And, now, I'm left disappointed, and, well, hurt. Even more, I feel angry that I can't do anything to avenge myself for this treatment that I don't think anyone deserves!

I reached out to some of the phenomenal women that I know, after partaking in one serious cry-fest. My question was not why this happened? I know why it happened. Men are manufactured to exit in this manner when it involves any sort of discussion of feelings. I wanted to know, desperately, how do I make the hurt go away? Not tomorrow, today. NOW! I heard, "Pray, girl" or "Distract yourself" and my favorite, "Find someone new." Although great suggestions, they weren't helping.

Finally, I figured out the antidote to my malaise: ACCEPT THAT IT'S OVER. Upsetting as it is, I should wipe my hands as easily of him as he did of me. The only reason women can't get past the hurt is because we hold on to it. We replay the affair in our minds. We call our girlfriends and "catastrophize" the break-up. We even secretly hope, wish, and pray that he might call once more with the super apology to rekindle the romance. We indulge our fantasies, creating bold future encounters with him. You know, show him how fly you've become, how you've moved on without him, and that you could do bad all by yourself.

From an eight-week affair to an eight-year marriage, there will never be a good time to get dumped or for lack of a better term have him "disappear." It hurts just the same. Girlfriend, LET IT GO. I'm not saying get over him this minute, but at least acknowledge that he's gone. I am. Remove any pictures or tokens of affection that pain you to see. And, for goodness sakes stop trying to update yourself on his life via Facebook or Twitter. LET IT ALL GO.

So, Mr. Persistent happily ignored my calls, and maybe he’s congratulating himself, but I'm taking out my summer memory box, pouring out its contents, and making room for a September that I can remember so that I can start fresh in the fall and focus on a more serious romantic encounter that will last beyond Labor Day!

  "I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year." - Edna St. Vincent Millay

Save the Pretty, Baby

2009-05-05T14:24:00.018-04:00

I planned to participate in the TD Bank 5-boro bike tour this past weekend and pulled out of the tour the day before. I wallowed in a land of disappointment, not because I didn't partake in the tour, but because I'd planned for me and my Casanova (the amazing man I met in Charlotte previous weeks) to be an item by this time. I envisioned him as my cheerleader or massaging my aching joints after my 42-mile bike ride. Although I promised that I was going to continue shopping after his actions proved he just wasn't that into me, I agreed to settle for his friendship.

In settling for his friendship, I answered EVERY time his name displayed on the caller ID. My smile stretched from cheek to cheek EVERY time we spoke. I shared endless conversations with him until the early hours of daylight and planned engagements that he would never commit to. When we last spoke, we argued over a petty subject that I don't recall. I behaved pretty juvenile, hanging up the phone, and berating him over text messages as a girl who likes a boy would. A few days passed, before we exchanged apologies and I made clear where my anger was rooted. Maybe, it was from the fact that he didn't make himself as available as I had, or, that I was receiving mixed signals? Or, maybe, I was just frickin' tired of being into someone who wasn't into me? He asked, "Do you like me?"

Huh?

I COMPLETELY understand that men are the worst interpreters of female subtle cues of interest. But, our lips touched, we strolled through the city with arms intertwined, and he placed a soft, delicate kiss on my forehead? He even trekked an hour from South Jersey to Brooklyn for my birthday. Was I not supposed to read too much into those? How could he be so impassive to our displays of affection? "I just thought you were cool. I'm not looking for a relationship right now," he explained. Well, there was my answer signed, sealed, and delivered. Wasn't this the closure I desperately wanted to hear all along?

Relieved and empowered, I championed my emotions. No sobs or long-winded, drama-filled conversations asking, why. Our discussion concluded amicably with me pretending that we would remain friends easily. I wasted precious time and served myself heartache convincing myself that as our comradeship grew, he'd recognize his feelings for me, changing his mind and therefore, his actions. All he needed was a good woman like me to prove him otherwise.

I often hear women replay stories about the guy they went out on a few dates with who suddenly vanished. And, they're left wondering what happened. The woman says, "I just need closure." Closure, as in, have a final conversation that allows her to hear "You are terrific, I just don't feel we're match." Then she can move on to the next guy in her queue and lead her full, happy life!

NOT!

Is closure REALLY ever enough? I'm not obsessing about what went wrong or why he doesn't want a relationship with perhaps me, but the feelings of disappointment and resentment are taking a little longer to release than I expected. As I go through my journey, I'm thankful to have been armed with the knowledge and power that maturity bring. My girl, India Arie, says, "There's a blessing in every lesson and I'm glad that I even knew him at all. I guess I do feel that way, somewhat. Here's what I know for sure: Girlfriend, don't kid yourself. Men are simple. If he says he's not looking for a relationship today, tomorrow, whenever, BELIEVE HIM.WHOLEHEARTEDLY.

I've acknowledged what he said and I'm going to stop answering, returning, and waiting for his calls for whatever irrelevant reason that I can think of, making myself available, and most importantly make room for the next guy in my queue!

I thought the trick was take your love life into your own hands and make it happen. :-( - Anonymous

See The Little Things

2009-05-03T23:25:00.019-04:00

Sometimes, I occasionally find inspiration in the most peculiar places. Last Sunday, I hopelessly attempted to sync my iPhone to my iTunes so that I could get a few songs on my phone. I did my usual, hook the USB cord into the port, slide the opposite end into my phone and hit "Sync." "Sync in progress" displayed across the touch screen and I dragged my index finger across the gray arrow. Then, iTunes displayed "sync complete."

I searched for my recently added songs on my phone, only to realize they weren't there. Assuming there must have been a problem with the sync process, I repeated my steps. After further investigation, I repeated the SAME process over and over again with no results. Growing frustrated, I thought I might suicide my laptop and phone out my window. Angry my phone didn't want to compromise with me, I decided to go on a scavenger hunt in my disarrayed room for my "older generation" ipod. Downloading songs to it proved not to be an issue. Plus, I looked forward to not being stuck in my apartment playing tech support, when I could be outside enjoying the preview of summer.

Monday morning arrived and I took another shot at syncing before I headed out the door. After a brief meditation, I tried again. Once again, "sync in progress" appeared on the touch screen and I dragged my finger against the gray arrow. iTunes displayed "sync is complete." Yes! I figured it was a minor glitch over the weekend. My songs were on the phone and I could leave. Only, I checked my phone again to realize my tunes still weren't there.

After a long sigh, I thrust the cord in and out. "Sync in Progress" displayed once more across the screen, and just as I was about to drag my finger across the gray arrow once more, I noticed "slide to cancel" flashing below it. Every time I slid my finger across the arrow, it canceled the sync in progress. Dumbfounded, I gently placed the phone attached to my computer unto the keys and allowed iTunes to sync.

Though a silly epiphany, that instance helped me realized that I need to learn to see the little things. I'm generally positive and wear my happy hat often, but I often find myself so focused on the big picture I miss out on the small, yet great things happening in my life. I complain about embarking on 28 and not working in my dream career. But, I can celebrate the fact that at 28 I've peeled off many layers of insecurity and come from an extremely dark place emotionally to smiling everyday for no reason. Through every job obstacle, I've managed to walk away, take care of myself comfortably and somehow manage to still enjoy New York City on a bread and butter budget . I have a HUGE support system of family and friends and now I finally have the opportunity to rededicate myself to my writing goals.

This morning, after I turned on my swag, I walked outside my apartment building grateful for my health and the ability to hike up and down my fourth-floor walk up. I stopped for a few seconds to appreciate the warm breeze, indicating the closing of spring and the beginning of a wonderful summer and the teeny beautiful yellow flowers blooming along the grassy sidewalk. From now on I'm going to find little, simple pleasures and sprinkle them throughout my day. Each simple pleasure can translate to a great day if you use them right.

We often say we're blessed. I notice it on a Twitter or Facebook status but the next day it reads: "uhh I'm tired" or "day sucks." See the little things. If you say you're blessed, do you really believe it? Are you ready to maintain it? Look at your life more closely.

With that, I'll leave you with a list of my favorite little things (plus it just makes me happy writing about them):

1. The two scoops peaches and cream and strawberry I had at the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory
yesterday.

2. My Intensati workouts

3. Hot, steamy showers (alone is cool too :-D)

4. Haitian Food...yummmy and;

5. Listening to my girls Jill and Erykah while writing what's on my heart.

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." - Robert Brault

Don't Take It Personal

2009-04-14T12:00:00.005-04:00

I met an amazing man a few weeks ago on my travels to Charlotte, NC. It wasn't my intention to "hook-up" with him or even exchange numbers, but after a great conversation during our flight we decided to keep in touch. Ironically, on my return flight I bumped into my "new" friend at the airport. We were headed back to New York on the same flight. He managed to coerce the woman sitting next to him to exchange seats with me so that we could sit next to each other once again.

That weekend Charlotte experienced a snowstorm that kept our plane on the tarmac for two hours. We sat in our seats patiently waiting for another bogus announcement confirming our take-off. We laughed and debated about various topics. Waiting on the tarmac was actually enjoyable. Our elbows brushed and I rested my head on his shoulder once or twice. I thought to myself, this is like a scene from When Harry Met Sally! Could this friend be heaven sent?

Expectantly, our flight was cancelled and we spent another evening in Charlotte, not before, we spent hours at the gate with the flight attendant attempting to find the earliest return flight and of course, still manage to be seated next to each other. Not once, during our encounter did I fall victim to what most of us women are guilty of and flash a quick trailer of our future together in my head. Ya know, my Barack Obama and our 2.5 kids and now, the dog. After we settled our flight business, we grabbed our luggage and he offered to remain at the baggage claim until my ride claimed me from that mess of an airport. "What a gentleman," I thought. The snow was heavy and I suggested he leave. Besides, we would have the opportunity to flirt further on our return flight the next day.

The next afternoon, we met each other at the newsstand near our gate and embraced. He offered to hold my carry-on, while we moved closer to our gate. After boarding, we took our seats. We sat, shoulders touching each other. He opened up about his family, his daughter, and his passions and concerns for our community. I talked about my dreams of being a full-time writer, NY Times best-selling author, and I threw in a couple of my crazy tales. While he talked, it occurred to me how attractive he was.

Before we noticed, our planed landed at JFK. We grabbed our things, walked towards public transportation, embraced once more , and promised to keep in touch. I arrived at my apartment in Brooklyn, feeling like the girl in the movies who comes home from a fabulous date, shuts her door, and lies with her back against the door still in awe over her wonderful evening. (Yes, sometimes I am a hopeless romantic and proud of it!) Putting my things away, I received a text: "I think you are beautiful physically and intellectually, but I just didn't know how to tell you that without it coming off as a come-on line." My heart fluttered once and I fell asleep with a smile that evening.

Confused, several days passed and I didn't hear from him. I consulted with my single gal pals and they replied "forget him," but my heart kept telling me there was something special about my friend. One of my gals suggested that I get off the "He's Just Not That Into You" movement and call him. So, I called him and with every ounce of charm that he could muster, he apologized for not reaching out to me. He claimed he was busy. The lover and forgiver in me accepted his apology and we set up an outing for the upcoming weekend.

We were scheduled to meet on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. We didn't have anything particular planned. We just were going to go with the flow. He arrived more than an hour late. I was livid. I wanted to leave, but my nagging intuition told me to stay. He arrived and I made it clear that that sort of behavior is unacceptable. Again, he apologized profusely again with his magnificent charm. We strolled from midtown, all the way down to the East Village. We stopped once at an antique flea market where he picked up a small token to symbolize our budding friendship. I was Carrie and he was Aidan. We grabbed a quick bite at my favorite Asian eatery, sipped a cocktail or two, revealed ourselves further, while he overstated how much of a great time he was having. I was elated my charm was rubbing off on him too.

Our evening close to an end, we decided to make a quick stop at the bookstore. This time we walked arm and I may have pulled in a little closer to him once or twice. It's been a long time for mama. We finally made our way to the subway, the end of our journey. Not expecting anything nor wanting to be too forward, I gave him a friendly hug, but I couldn't help but notice he squeezed me very tightly. I pulled my face away and he kissed me. Excited about my kiss, when he walked towards his train, I walked towards him and kissed him once more. I gleefully went home and partook in this gabfest with every woman I knew about how WONDERFUL this man was and what an amazing experience we shared!

Further confused, more than a week passed, and I didn't hear from him. With each day I grew bitter and frustrated. I cried once. (I promised I'd be honest and open with you guys). I asked: "Why would he do this to me? I thought he liked me. Was it all a game?" I vented and sought advice from my 21-year old male co-worker. I even reached out to him via text message with no response. My feelings terribly hurt, I grew tired of hearing the "He's Just Not That Into You" examples or "F#%$# these dudes" or "Get Over It." It hurt, dammit! The best way for me to feel better was to acknowledge that I was hurt. I wrote two or threw posts about it but I was scared to reveal myself until I finally realized that I was making it all about ME, ME, ME.

I didn't do anything wrong. In fact, him pulling away wasn't about me. It rarely is with a man. Ladies, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL, because it's not personal! When someone is doing or saying something to you, it is about THEM not you or ME. It's about THEM. So, this amazing man who 'rejected' me turned out to have major issues (which I won't reveal out of respect) and flaws that I am not ready nor willing to accept into my life, which I found out about later. He was afraid of being exposed. God may have just spared me from an inattentive romantic relationship of misery.

If you hear yourself say 'I can't believe he did or said that to ME', then you need to stop, take a deep breath, and realize you used the ME word about someone's behavior.

If you're still reading: Physical intimacy, closeness, whatever you want to call it is a great way to feel close to someone quickly, but it COMPLETELY lacks information when trying to discern one's true character. It was a great shortcut to my soul mate, but I confused myself deciding that me and my cuddly buddly were truly tight, when in fact, I didn't know him.

There's still a lot of learning to do on both ends. The lovertarian in me has moved on and forgiven. He calls me occasionally and my emotions still bubbles at the sight of his name on my caller ID. And, my heart speaks occasionally and still tells me that he's special and may indeed remain a contact in my life. But, I've decided to keep shopping.

Blinded By The Light

2009-02-23T21:21:00.008-05:00

Last June, I courageously walked away from my then dream-job that managed to darken my spirit and made me miserable for almost two years. I thought I'd spend my career working behind the scenes in the music industry. I felt so empowered the last time I looked at that dingy lobby. I looked forward to never having to return to order some person's salmon with asparagus, fetch an espresso, or fear for my safety in the elevator, as I watched large entourages of sumo- wrestler sized men enter the building with their hands close to their sides. That day, I vowed that I was going to spend my time off wisely, exploring what I was supposed to be doing and "figuring it out." Over time, I waited expectantly for a flash of light to reveal itself and give me my answer.

Fast forward to seven months and I still get intimated every time someone asks that annoying question, "So what do you want to do?" My time "off" was short-lived, since I quickly learned that unemployment benefits aren't enough to keep a roof over your head, especially not in a city like New York. Luckily, I found a temporary job to keep me afloat and quite comfortable. And, guess what? It's in the music industry. I've been working again, since August. I'll be honest, I kind of forgot the promise I made to myself back in June. It was much easier to avoid the entire career planning process. I deliberately sabotaged interviews for myself and made everyone aware that my current job situation is perfect. My current job is only temporary and my temporary boss (who is one of the greatest bosses/coaches I've ever encountered) walked over to my temporary desk and asked me that same really annoying question, "So what do you want to do?" I almost cried. With my tenure almost up at my current gig, I've learned that there is no white light or flash with an answer. I'm experiencing a super "What Should I Do With My Life?" moment, an especially emotional one I must add.

I've decided to re-visit my promise and go hard this time. I'm reading "What Color Is My Parachute?" by Richard Nelson Bolles and devoted hours to taking career surveys. They're a great tool to discover who you are. Bolles' mentions the reason people can't find a job is not because they don't know what they want to do. It's because they don't know who they are. Thus, I'm exploring what moves me like being open about what's going on in my life. I'm pushing myself, attempting to try things that I'm not entirely sure that I can do and trying different things until I find the field that I love. Now is the time to fulfill my dreams and the vision that I have for myself. I'm letting all my worries go about the economic crisis for awhile and reminding myself that my dream job is out there. This time, I'm not going to do a traditional job-hunt, but a life-changing career-change: one that begins with me and what I want out of life. I know that when I'm really close to what God's meant for me to do, the experience will be easy.

Success is about knowing what you want and making it happen.

I LOVE YOU DAMMIT

2009-02-14T11:00:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling exceptionally gooooooood today. My mind, body, and spirit are alive! I know Valentine's Day has become the day for the exchange of tokens of affection. But, hating on Valentine's Day is not my style. I just wanted to remind you that Valentine's Day isn't just about a significant other, chocolates, gifts, or being in a relationship. Where is the love???? I don't have a Valentine. In fact, I haven't had a Valentine since 1999. (Yeah I know, that is a lonnnnggg time.) In this recession, I feel great being single and saving a few extra bucks this year. Most importantly, I feel great having encountered all of you in my life. So, if no one else tells you today....I LOVE YOU DAMMIT.

Give the love you want to get.

Practical Girl's Guide To A Recession

2009-02-01T13:35:00.008-05:00

I was perusing Target the other day for some grocery items when I noticed the gentleman ahead of me grab a jumbo bag of popcorn that cost $3.99. I gasped at how ridiculously expensive it was. I asked myself, "Does he really need a jumbo-sized bag of popcorn that costs $3.99?"

We're experiencing a recession right? We're all feeling it, no? Some of us don't even realize how we waste our money. I'll admit, the talks of layoffs and tightening budgets have me scared shitless. Honestly, I don't believe this period that we are experiencing is just a "recession." This our NEW ECONOMY. We have to be certain once we get booming again, that we don't borrow/spend what we can't pay back! I'm embracing this experience and I've begun to prepare myself. Here's a few of the changes I've made in my lifestyle:

* Disconnected the cable. My cable/internet bill was approx $88/mo before taxes. Without cable I'm saving $58.
* I reduced my text messaging plan from $20/mo for unlimited messages to $5/mo for 200 messages. Please ya'll go easy on the text.And, reduced my calling plan from $59.99 to $39.99. We can gossip after 9pm unless we're mobile to mobile, of course.
* I loved spending Sunday mornings reading my newspaper by the fire escape. My newspaper subscription is $27/mo. Axed it.
* No more eating on the run. I don't even buy a bag of chips on the go anymore. I plan ahead. I load up on fruits at the local market, in case I need a mid afternoon snack. I brown bag it too!
* I don't buy anything in the store that's individually wrapped. That crap is expensive. For example, I grab my orange juice to go in the mornings. A six-pack of Tropicana OJ is $3.99 at my local grocer. I bought the carton size (2 for $5) and invested in a spilless mug !

I'm committing my additional $120 in savings to that womping $8k credit card debt I accumulated over one summer! Plastic is the devil! Like Donnie McClurkin said, "We fall down, but we get up." Amen! I'm still thinking of other ways to save. I would love to hear your ideas/comments! How are you saving right now and what are you committing those savings too?

"The only way to get happiness is to be there already!"